Plus XP

Contributed by Edward Price

On the record, most movie adaptations of video games end up failing embarrassingly. They’re critically slated, or are hated by fans of the game who’ve been betrayed by a company that doesn’t want to adhere too much to the source material, but like seemingly every business ever, just want to make a lot of money. Here are some upcoming movies of games, in no particular order, which are probably doomed to fail. Interestingly, between the time I originally wrote this article, and now, I also managed to get my hands on some of the scripts, and so I’ll be providing you with some choice segments of said scripts.

The Sims

The Sims doesn’t need much introduction. It’s a life simulator game by Will Wright, in which you guide around Sims and make them live the life you’re not living because you’re sitting at a computer looking after little virtual people more than yourself. Until you get bored and remove the stairs to the swimming pool.

The Sims Movie is in pre-production, and from the information I can gather, it’s a Live Action Drama Film.

What They Should Do:

Firstly, making a “Drama” film out of a game where your biggest drama is running to the toilet before pissing yourself is probably ill-thought. There are two prevailing ideas at work. One is what they could do, and one is what they should do.

What they could do, if they’re truly serious about making it a “Drama”, is take a leaf out of “The Truman Show”. And by a leaf, I mean, pretty much rip off “The Truman Show”. They could however, use it to a very interesting angle, and use it as a harrowing insight into the minds and lives of people who are at the mercy of a benevolent power they don’t know or understand. People forced to cheat, lie, and kill against their will. People whose lives fall apart because of an evil entity who’ll never care for them. Maybe it’d win a bunch of Oscars or something.

Alternatively, my friend Nathan says on this subject:

“Maybe turning the Sims into a completely different concept, like an interactive movie where each of the people in the audience is assigned a character, and they can do whatever they want with it, like those choose-your-own-adventure books, and your choices determine the outcome, and finally, determines the ending”

Give him a £1 million instead.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

I honestly don’t know. If they’re serious about making it a Drama film, I honestly don’t know how or why they’d ever make it, unless it was pretty much just the Truman show.

Script Extract:

Simone runs towards the toilet in a panic, sweat dripping off her face. As she reaches the bathroom, the suspenseful music begins to play. The music gets louder as she locks the door and makes her way towards the toilet. She begins to sit down, and the toilet suddenly disappears underneath her. The music reaches crescendo as she begins to cry in embarrassment as she wets herself all over the bathroom floor.

Cut to Simette and Simba are swimming in their new swimming pool.

Simba (In Simlish, English Subtitles Provided): Well, I feel the oddly compulsive need to eat. What do you say we have a barbeque?

Simette: Si-si-simba…

Simba: Yes?

Simette (Screaming): The stairs to the pool are gone!

They both scream in horror as the music swells.

Simba: Wait, we should only have several hours to live! That’ll be fine unless…

The Barbeque sets the house on fire.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

Like Big Brother, but people die.

Pac Man

Seriously. A Pac Man movie. Again, the only information about this I could get is that it’s combining Live Action and Special Effects.

Guys, everyone knows what Pac Man is. This isn’t like most other movies of games, where those blissfully unaware of the source material won’t know better. Anyone who thinks making a Pac Man movie Live Action is a good idea is probably an evil genius who is hell bent on destroying the world of videogames with crappy movies.

What They Should Do:

Simply, don’t make it. I can’t make that statement funny. I think it’d actually be a better use of time and money to simply buy every person in the world a copy of Pac Man who doesn’t already own a copy.

That, or simply do “King of Kong”, but replace Donkey Kong with Pac Man.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

Depressingly, it’s probably going to be made by the only people in the world who haven’t ever played Pac Man, except that one guy on the crew who played it a few times who they only keep on the team so they can say “Yeah, people on the crew have played Pac Man, so it’s gonna be close to the source material”, and the only things they know about the game is that the guy is yellow, he eats glowing pills to eat ghosts, and there’s some fruit.

Then they’ll remake Ghostbusters, but paint the protagonist yellow.

Script Extract:

Our hero is running through some dark corridors. The camera does that annoying shaky thing so you’re made to believe it’s from the protagonist’s perspective. He trips, and as he turns around, a ghost (who for accuracy, will be a man wearing an orange sheet) slowly moves up towards him.

Clyde: Well, well, well… If it isn’t Pequenos Arigato Chuck… It looks like you’ve finally met your match. You may have killed Inky, Blinky and Pinky, but now, you’re cornered, and while my comrades may eventually come back, there’s no return for you, my friend…

While Clyde is talking, the camera pans to Pequenos, who slowly picks up a round, flashing pill as big as his hand. He begins to eat it as Clyde turns around, and the camera pans back to him.

Clyde: (Cont) So, Pequenos Arigato Chuck, do you have any last words?

Clyde is eaten whole, by a glowing, flashing Pequenos.

Pequenos: Call Me P.A.C… Man…

Everyone in the cinema collectively groans and asks for their money back.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

A fat guy in a yellow shirt travels around 255 identical mazes, obsessively eating everything in sight, while avoiding the ghosts of people he’s eaten, until he finds magic flashing weight loss pills that allow him to eat ghosts.

Metal Gear Solid

Bear with me on this one. The Metal Gear Solid series is probably one of the first that people will think of when they think of what could be applied to Cinema and succeed. Especially when the games themselves are so cinematic. Plus, I think Hideo Kojima’s heavily involved with it as well, so it’s not like it’s going to be poorly written or made. The guy knows what he’s doing… Doesn’t he?

After all, he’s an amazing writer, he created the damn series, he won’t give it to someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, and he’ll put enough work into it to make it work.

The problem I have with this film is that simply put, the Metal Gear Solid stories are amazing… but over the course of a game. I don’t think it’d make an amazing movie, especially because the epic stories are just that. It’d water down the impact, I feel, if they condensed it into a short film.

Also, David Hayter, the voice actor for Snake in the series, has had his adaptation of the film passed over, and it’s unlikely he’ll be a part of the film.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

It’s probably going to be an interesting take on the Metal Gear Solid franchise, but it’ll be too short and too condensed to tell a truly epic tale, the effects and performances won’t seem as powerful as in the game, and while it’ll probably be quite good, or well made, just won’t have the impact of the games, and seem too watered down.

Script Extract:

I had to get a friend to translate the script from Japanese, but he assures me the following is an honest script extract, and I have no reason to disagree:

Solid Snake: Well, Otacon, what seems to be the situation here?

Otacon: I’m a scientist! I come up with inventions and giant nuclear robots for peace!

Raiden: I’m a pretty ballerina!

Hideo Kojima: I’m messing with all your minds! Everything I say is a postmodern attack against the way I view the world!

Liquid Snake: BRROOOOOTHEEERRRRRRR

Ocelot: I never really was on your side!

Then the translation trails off into dick jokes and constant laughter at my expense.

…Yup.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

It’d be longer than the Extended Version of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, with a complete destruction of the 4th wall, a lot more confusion, twists and turns, with none of the resolution.

What Should Happen:

Everyone working on the film will all realise that they’ve already made a Metal Gear Solid Movie…

(Though, since writing this originally, I have since started playing through. The point still remains. As well as this, rumours are abound that talks for the movie have fallen through, meaning that it probably won’t be made for a while, if at all).

Need For Speed

Apparently, the Need for Speed series of racing games, which for a long while, were basically Street Racers (and I think they still are), has also got itself a motion picture coming out eventually.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

They could pretty much rip a story straight out of their games, but there’s really one of two they could do. Either have it based off a spunky young street racer with everything to prove, as he attempts to become top dog in the land of street racing. Or, an undercover cop trying to uncover the leader of a street racing syndicate and…

Oh right, that.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

Literally just any of the Fast And Furious movies, with everyone trying desperately to appeal to the teenaged, chavvy demographic.

Script Extract:

The oddest thing happened when I discovered the script for the Need for Speed movie: It’s exactly like the script for the Fast and Furious movies, but with some of the names changed. See for yourself:
Din Viesel is talking to Maul Palker, they are standing by some totally pimp cars, which are totally pimp.

Din Viesel: You’re not an undercover cop, trying to catch me and several of my friends for illegally street racing, are you? Because if you happened to be an undercover cop, trying to catch me and several of my friends for illegally street racing, then me and several of my friends who illegally street race will kill you, and then continue to illegally street race, illegally.

Maul Palker: Nope. I am not an undercover cop, trying to catch you and several of your friends for illegally street racing. I am simply a man who wishes to join you and several of your friends who street race, which I should clarify, is highly illegal.

Din Viesel: I believe you. Let’s illegally street race in a way which glorifies this totally awesome yet illegal endeavour!

Maul Palker: I sure do have a NEED FOR SPEED!

They step in their totally pimp cars, and drive in an illegal street race in a way which glorifies this totally awesome, yet illegal endeavour. Chavs and idiots around the world put spoilers on their cheap cars in a bid to look cool. This fails to make their cars look any cooler or faster.

What Should Happen:

Just realise that the Fast and the Furious franchise got there before them. In fact, wasn’t the change to Street Racing style in Need for Speed games directly caused by the success of the Fast and Furious franchise? Basically, it’s going to be a film of a game that is heavily based off another film. If anyone else tried to do make a film of a game that was heavily based off another film or book, that’d be crazy, surely?

(This joke magically became 3 times funnier and more awesome when it was revealed that not only would EA release Dante’s Inferno: The Book based on the Game based on the Book, but would release a Movie based on the Book based on the Game based on the Book. Not only did I predict it months before it was revealed, but I’ve now heavily confused you, too. Moving on, though )

Asteroids:

In comparison, a live action Pac Man almost seems like a reasonable idea.

It’s even more mind boggling when you consider that 4 movie companies were in a bidding war to secure the rights for this film. That’s right. Companies bid millions of dollars to secure the rights to a game that wasn’t even 8 kilobytes in size. In comparison, some modern games can fill up a blu-ray disc 25 gigabytes in size. It’s simply mind boggling how far games have come in that regard, and also mind boggling how Universal Studios can make a movie out of a game where you, a triangle, shoot some verrrry slowly moving shapes that kind of resemble asteroids, in what is probably a shapeism-related mass murder.

If It’s Anything Like The Source Material:

A small triangle will float in space, taking his shape-hating prejudice out on a bunch of asteroids that probably did nothing to him. Or, bullied him in shape school. Except it to be long, boring, and ending with the triangle losing as he realises he should give those damn asteroids a chance!… Right as they destroy him.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

They’ll probably just make another Deep Impact or Armageddon, but somehow try to relate it to the game. Seriously, the game has no story to it whatsoever, so trying to give it one is more pointless than trying to justify Scientology as a real religion.

Script Extract

A green triangle floats around in a large empty space, occupied only by itself and several large asteroids.

Triangle: I’ll show those darn Asteroids what for!

He fires a single shot at a nearby Asteroid. It explodes into three, smaller, faster parts.

Triangle: Oh, fu-

The Triangle is destroyed by one of the Asteroids.

Nothing else happens. The Audience puts in another coin and watches again.

What They Should Do:

Gamelife do this far better than I actually could. It’d just be best if you read that.

And that’s all for now! Hope you enjoyed reading

<3 Edward