Plus XP

Contributed by Edward Price

As a gamer, I like to buy and play videogames, and then tell other people my views on the games I play. However, videogames are a serious business, and I feel a need to attach myself to and champion a particular videogame console that not only does not reciprocate the love which I give it, but is made by a company who not only do not care what I think, but would probably look at me with distain if they did!

You don’t think I’m right? Then sit back and watch as I prove to you why my choice of Videogame Console is clearly superior to yours.

Soon you'll realise I am like a King, and that you all shall bow!

1. My Console Has Features That Yours Doesn’t

You see this thing that my console does? Yeah, your console is incapable of doing that. That automatically makes my console better than yours. Oh, so your console is bringing out their own version of that feature? Well, yours is a bad knock-off, and it’ll never be as good as the original! Oh, what’s that? My console’s bringing out its own version of your feature, well, because the feature is newer, it can improve on your one and make it better! My logic is infallible, and you can’t win!

Anyone who doesn’t understand this joke needs to go to http://www.scene-stealers.com/blogs/james-camerons-avatar-disneys-pocahontas/

2. Exclusives & Forthcoming Games

My console has better exclusives than yours! Allow me to list all the games that are coming to my console and not yours! I won’t even buy half of these games I mention, but I’ll use them as examples to prove that my console choice, and by extension, myself, are better than you. Even if some of those games aren’t very good, I’ll claim that the reviewers are all biased against the console (even if their review is positive), that their writing is bad, and that they should be fired and their review replaced by someone who actually knows what they’re talking about… Me! And then I still won’t play them.

"This game... Is totally proof... that I'm better than you... Okay, where's my money?"

3. The Game Is Superior On My Console

So that upcoming game that looks really good is multiplatform, but that fact is irrelevant! You know why? Because that game is going to be better on my console, not yours! My console will have the better graphics/sound/gameplay/controls/online mode/a feature my console has that yours doesn’t/mine does better, while your console’s version will be ruined by inferior graphics/online/loading times/multiple discs/mandatory installs/the fact your console doesn’t have a feature mine does/does as well! That’s why when a game comes out that’s the same on every console; I still win for having the better version!

See? The graphics on my version are way superior...

4. Inaccurate (Possibly Made Up)/Irrelevant Statement About Your Console:

And another thing! My console is so much better than yours because not only does it have features yours doesn’t, the better exclusives, and any multiplatform games will be better on mine, but (and yes, there is more!) you also need to contend with something else. That is the following thing I’m about to point out about your console, that will either be incredibly irrelevant to the argument thus far, will be completely untrue, or will have been said so many times before that you can probably see it coming from a mile away. This last one will be like a Reality or Talent TV show, in that it’s inevitable, and yet you’re more likely to score with a supermodel than stop it.

These red lights are in no way relevant to what I am saying right now... Or Are They?

Primarily, I’ll end up using this as a “…and furthermore!” argument, in that despite it having no actual relevance to the rest of the debate, I’ll still use this ad verbatim because I believe this actually matters.

5. Grossly Inaccurate Personal Insult

If you’ve seriously not been bought round to my way of thinking, and you somehow haven’t realised that my logic is that of a God, and made a shrine in my honour, yet, then you know what? I don’t care what you think, and to show how much your comments haven’t affected me, I’m going to post some grossly inaccurate assumptions about the way you live your life! You disagree with me? Ironically, I’ll end up using insults and descriptions of gamers that I’ve criticised the media for using, such as your possible living arrangements (with your parents), your weight, social standing, appearance, your ability to spell or use the English language, and whether or not you have a life.

(Because apparently having a life doesn't simply mean being alive or dead, anymore)

You know why I’m going to do that? Because I’m right, no matter what, and since my previous arguments somehow haven’t swayed you, then my only course of action that remains is to baselessly insult you, because nothing makes you realise you’re wrong like a complete stranger on the internet trying to persuade you insulting you!

Now it should be incredibly clear to see that I am completely correct, and that my choice of console is clearly better than yours. You’re allowed to praise me, and worship me as your new God. You know why? Because by devoting myself to just one console, and insulting anyone who dares question me, I not only like to prove how I’m right and you’re not, I then uphold the same image of gamers that most people are trying to shake from our industry; the obsessive, annoying fan boy.

…

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Okay, screw it; I’ll buy the other consoles too.