Plus XP

The Next Level In Gaming

Disclaimer: The interviews for Inside Look are the ideas of the Plus XP Team ONLY and are not the ideas of the creators and developers of the games. All characters interviewed in Inside Look remain the property of the video game developers and creators. Basically we are sorry if we took your characters guys, we promise we’ll give them back.

After Garvaos’ interview with GLaDOS last week, she was escorted out by security, but not before capturing one of the PlusXP Team. Sadly for him, no one noticed.

When we found him, we were able to coax out of him a small book in which he’d written his experiences. While most of the pages are filled with nonsensical things about escaping, cake ingredients, and an extensive guide to hacking into megalomanicial machines bent on human destruction, we found some diary entries.

Reprinted here are the only ones safe enough to.

Entry 1:

Where am I? The last thing I remember is being dragged out of the contributor hole by a computer thing that shouldn’t even logically have been able to capture me. That, and screaming for help while Garvaos and Leon walked past. I don’t think I yelled quite loud enough because they didn’t stop and help me, but I heard them mumbling “If we can’t see it, it can’t see us”.

Then I woke up to find myself in a cold, blank room with nothing but a stupid cube with stupid hearts on it’s stupid sides. It’s stupid. Why am I in a room with nothing but a cube? I don’t get paid enough for this.

…I don’t get paid at all.

Damn.

Entry 4:

It’s been a couple of hours now, I’m guessing. It’s kind of boring here. That stupid Companion Cube just sits there doing nothing. With its stupid hearts on its stupid sides on its stupid self. Companion Cube? More like… Stupid… Stube!

Note to self: Include in stand up routine.

Entry 7:

I’m tempted to start throwing that Stube around to see if it does anything. Maybe there’s like, a hidden button I’ve somehow missed the first eighteen times I’ve ran around screaming, randomly attacking everything in sight. It’ll catch GLaDOS totally off guard! Doing precisely what I’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing she’ll expect me to do this time! Maybe if I take my shirt off this time and spin it around my head like a helicopter…

And maybe if I put my pants on my head and stick a couple of pencils up my nose…

Entry 12:

I was all set to teach that thing a lesson. I picked it up, prepared to throw it about everywhere, I even had a killer line picked out. I had just finished saying “Your pain is about to be… cubed” when it suddenly started talking to me.

She was just shy, is all. Now we’re really starting to hit it off. We’re just going to get to know each other. She might be a bit rough around the edges, but I’m sure if I approach her with the right angle

No, wait! Come back! Dammit.

Entry 17:

I think she likes me. She’s been telling me all about her life and stuff. I decided to do what Garvaos did and try interviewing her like he did GLaDOS. Here’s what I’ve got

Me: So, tell me about yourself…

Cube: Well, I’m GLoRIA, I come from Cuba and-

Me: Yeah, I’m a bit conscious of the terrible shape puns, so…

GLoRIA: What are you talking about? Where I come from is not a joke!

M: Okay, okay, jeez, you are hard to please. Go on…

G: Well, I’ve been here for a while, I guess. I don’t really get to do much. I get kind of used, to be honest. Men only seem to pick me up and use me whenever it’s convenient for them, you know? It’s pretty difficult for me. I know I’m not the most slender or sleek thing around here, but I’d like someone to like me for me…

M: That sounds…

G: Pretty bad? Yeah, well, far be it for me to say, but I’ve been thrown about a lot, I’ve been places, but nowhere I really appreciate, if you get me. I’m just kind of, you know, unsatisfied with my surroundings, and I want to go to a warmer place…

M: I see. Well, what do you do around here?

G: Mostly just wait about. In case you didn’t notice, I don’t have any limbs…

M: I wasn’t going to say anything…

G: Well, no, luckily, my job doesn’t really involve much movement and stuff. Sometimes though, I’ll suddenly just be integral to what’s going on and I find it hard to keep up with what’s going on…

M: So, you could say your workload gets… cubed?

G: You’ve already done that one.

M: Have I? It’s kind of hard to keep up before I end up going full circle

G: You’re such a square.

[Editor's note: The interview kind of trails off from there and mostly becomes a discussion of the best kind of Cakes. They remain undecided on Jaffas.]

They’re called cakes, but they’re technically biscuits, but…

[Editor's Note: For a while, this descends into a lot of random scribblings, there's some intrigue, some will-they-won't-they, and some mishaps more suited to a sitcom. It takes up way too much time, and is a bit irrelevant, so we'll leave them out for now]

Entry 19:

I took GLoRIA out on a date. We went all the way around the room we’ve been enclosed in for the last while. The East wall left something to be desired. Or is it the West wall? I can’t remember. After some mishaps that would make you laugh more than a sitcom, everything turned out okay. We’re just going back to my corner. I can’t remember which corner is mine. Okay, I might have to admit I’m lost. I’ll regale you with those hilarious mishaps when we get back though.

Entry 21:

GLoRIA and I made love. Some may question how, or look in scorn on our love, but her and I are meant to be! We’re going to be together for a long time. We make each other happy, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! It all started when I-

[Editor’s Note: NO. STOP. In the name of decency, we have to pretty much blank most of what follows. If you simply have to understand how Cube sex works, then just wait for the Film adaption of this story, coming out 2011!]

Entry 29:

She broke my heart. I thought we had something together, but we clearly didn’t. I obviously mean nothing to her. I’m just a toy to her. I’m going to get my revenge on her. Maybe I’ll tell her how fat she’s gotten…

[Editor's Note: For a while, this descends into some pretty terrible poetry about lost love, hate, and pretty much covers most of the post-breakup stages. It's coming out in a book of poetry sometime soon. Read it there, instead]

Entry 37:

Turns out there was a furnace in this place all this time. I chucked GLoRIA into it. She always said she wanted to go to a warmer place…

Damn, that was ice cold… I mean… wicked burn! …Dammit.

Entry 42:

Turns out throwing GLoRIA into the furnace was the right thing to do: It opened up a door I’d never seen before, taking me to a lift I’d never used before. When I came out, Garvaos and Leon were sitting there.

“Oh, there you are.”

“Where have you been? I have been stuck in this hellhole longer than I can remember!”

“Ed, you’ve only been here for 5 hours.”

“I’m confused as to how you look such a wreck after such a short amount of time”

“And how did you grow a beard that big? You can’t even grow a neckbeard…”

“Garv, Leon, it’s clearly obvious I was held in stasis or something.”

“Then you wouldn’t have done anything in that time.”

“Went to space, hit a wormhole which sent me back?”

“Nope.”

“Hit 88 miles an hour?”

“Not gonna work”

“Tardis?”

“You left it in the garage”

“Well, clearly…”

“Ed, there isn’t enough time for this, can we just leave?”

“And why are you writing this all down anyway?”

“It’s all for journalism! Take a look!”

Garvaos and Leon took a long, disapproving look.

“Ed, this is clearly just you getting out some serious issues, using the cube as a scapegoat and possible parallel for everything going wrong in your life”

“You really should see someone”

“When there’s journalism to be done? I think not!”

They looked at me and sighed, heavily.

“Okay, it’s time to get out of here.

“I’m not leaving until I get the cake I’ve been promised!”

“I don’t think anyone actually promised any-”

“I WANT MY DAMN CAKE!”

“Well, all we have are these Jaffa cakes…”

“…That’ll do”

We then left, and I was ready to face the world after my harrowing, psychologically damaging experience. My road to recovery would be a long and hard one, and it would be a while before I was able to continue with life as I could before…

“Hold on, what are Jaffa Cakes, really?”

END…?

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On March - 18 - 2010

2 Responses so far.

  1. Philippa says:

    They’re cakes.

  2. Lewis Glynn says:

    love it :D

    there was no need for you to run away after posting this
    you should be proud
    never stop with the comical entertainment

    LOVE and peace

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