Plus XP

The Next Level In Gaming

I was already waiting for him when they walked in from a hard day’s work. As they entered, I made sure to jump out and shout surprise as loud as I could. Waking up a couple of hours later with a sore head, I awoke to find Rob (Garvaos) and GuitarGirl standing over me.
“For the last time Rob, we can’t harvest his kidneys, it’s just not a good way to treat the writers!”
“If they were so vital, why does he have more than one?”
Noticing I’d woken up by this point, they dropped the argument and made sure I was okay.
“Why does my head hurt so much?”
“That’s my bad, Ed. I didn’t expect to find you having broken into my home again and I may have hit you with my Gravity Hammer replica.”
I turned to GuitarGirl and asked if he had shouted “Ban!” when he did it. She shook her head until Rob put the hammer back on its stand and then nodded enthusiastically when he wasn’t looking.
“What’s GuitarGirl doing here?”
“I needed someone to debate the merits of stealing your kidneys with”
“You couldn’t harvest my organs anyway, they have an unbreakable five-game contract with Lucasarts”
“That’s from Escape from Monkey Island, and they don’t.”
“How appropriate. You fight like a cow.”
“How did you get in anyway? I replaced all the locks after that last incident…”
“Window” I shrugged.
“We’ll have a conversation on boundaries and how you need to understand and respect them later, Ed.” GuitarGirl began. “For now, we did ask you to stay with Rob for the weekend to help cover this year’s Eurogamer Expo, so it’s all okay. I think. Just don’t break into his home again. Please.”
“There are literally no reasons I can begin to never do that again.”
“That’s great Ed. I don’t think I made myself clear. Do it again, and I will show you the business end of a boomer.”
They took my confused silence as a guarantee and then made their way over to my stuff. After a pause in which I debated to myself whether the business end was the puke or the poop end, Rob broke the silence.
“Ed, there’s like three suitcases here. Why?”
“Preparation, obviously. Wanna be prepared for the weekend”
“But there’s no need for any of this. Ever.”
“There’s plenty of need!”
“Okay, then why do you need this?” Rob asked, getting out my umbrella.
“My kevlar-reinforced umbrella? You asked me to cover a Bullet-Storm…
“That’s great, but you don’t need this for that.”
“Well, there’s also going to be Heavy Rain…
After groaning, he put it down and rummaged through the suitcase again.
“What about these?” He asked, producing some machinery with miniature guns attached.
“Three Gears of War.
Pausing before putting them back, he groaned and then produced a giant clock.
“A giant clock.”
“A giant clock!”
“I’m really going to regret asking this, but why a giant clock?”
“Threefold. Firstly, in case the Raving Rabbits: Travel In Time. Secondly, Professor Layton and the Lost Future. It won’t be lost any more when he has a clock!”
“That was only two.”
“Oh, timekeeping, of course. How else are we going to make sure we attend the developer sessions on time?”
“Okay, before we continue, is everything in this suitcase going to be a Carrot-Top styled prop-related pun?”
“Even the kitchen sink you deemed to be fit to bring?”
“For my metaphor about how the routine, like the water in the sink was starting to circle the drain…”
“You remember how I fired you for all those puns before?”
“Not particularly.”

“Well, let’s move on collectively from them and focus on how awesome this year’s Eurogamer Expo is.”
We did. It was fun. Sadly, and eventually, ground rules were given to me for the weekend.
“What do you mean I’m not allowed to don a faux-gentlemen accent during the videos?”
“Rules are rules, Ed. That means no top hats or monocles either.”
“If I had any, I’d be so annoyed at you guys right now…”
“Similarly, no gaming-related one liners on the ladies, no harassing anyone with the excuse of “I’m a videogame journalist, the rules don’t apply to me!”, and another equally important rule…”
“No setting anyone on fire?”
“Ed, that should be a given by now.” GuitarGirl interrupted, making sure to confiscate my matches.
“Painting plasmids onto our arms was always going to be a risky idea as soon as we let him pick Incinerate!, if I’m going to be honest.” Rob sighed.

To be fair, we were collectively asking for it.

“Then what?” I asked, reading through the nigh-fifty or so things on the list. “Don’t fall in love with a girl and have to defeat her seven evil exes to win her heart?”
“Actually, that’s allowed.”
“Oh, then what is the final one, don’t kidnap the place and hold it hostage in return for loads of free gaming stuff and to keep the expo alive forever?”
“…Try not to do that if you can… I was actually going to say ‘Have fun’!”
“…Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Right, time to sleep. We have a long weekend ahead of us! Someone bring my suitcases into your bedroom so that I may sleep in there!”
Rob glared. “Ed, you’re not sleeping in my room.”
“Too late, I’m already in there! Sleeping!”
“Ed, there’s way too many clothes in here for a weekend…”
“Oh yeah, I decided I’m staying with you for the extended future. It’ll be great, we’ll stay up late, playing manly games, and in the morning, you’re making waffles!”
GuitarGirl and Rob paused and looked at each other.
“Yes, Rob?”
“Get the hammer.”
“Do you have to shout ‘Ban!’ this time?”
“Only if I have to shout it everytime. Which I do. It’s my Banhammer.”
GuitarGirl shook her head, sighed, and grabbed Rob’s hammer off the wall again.

For more information on this weekend’s Eurogamer Expo, check out and to find out what to expect, check out Rob’s latest post:

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On September - 30 - 2010

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