Through the ages there have been some epic battles in the gaming universe. Hero’s and villains have been at each others throats since the dawn of time and there have been some truly epic battles. Link vs Ganondorf, Sonic Vs Robotnic, Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, the list goes on.

Ever since we have known each other there has been another epic battle going. Garvaos Vs Random Man. Ok so this battle hasn’t been written into some sacred gaming code but it has been going on for the best part of 10 months or so now. We thought it would be best to settle this like true gaming journalists would and draft up five warriors from the gaming universe that would fight in each of our corners. I will draft the Hero’s for this epic battle, but will Random Man’s villainous horde vanquish me and take over the world? Lets find out!

Coal MacGrath (inFamouse)

Imagin you have just woken up, you are in the centre of what appears to be that aftermath of a massive explosion that has engulfed half the city that you live in. Upon awakening you find out you have the power to control electricity will you use your powers for good or evil?

Meet Coal MacGrath, he knows exactly how a crazy scenario such as this feels like, even though he has the potential to take over the world with his electric power he instead uses it for good. This is why I think coal would be an awesome addition to my team because he can manipulate his powers for the greater good, and yet if he needs to use his powers to take down several bad guys then he can with a great amount of ease.

Master Chief (Halo)

Nothing says ‘I’m going to save the world’ like a genetically modified super soldier that is named after a Greek warrior. Of course I am talking about everyone’s favourite UNSC Spartan John 117, aka Master Chief. Being the last of his kind must take its toll on a usual human being but not Master Chief.

His mind is always on the mission, he is skilled and someone that is defiantly necessary in the heat of battle. I mean who wouldn’t want a big metal man who can single handily take out a zombie race?

Zack Fair (Final Fantasy VII)

Zack is in here for two reasons. The first of which, Random Man would not have forgiven me if he wasn’t. The second and most important is that Zack is a noble soldier who never leaves anyone behind. He also inspires the most feeble of people to get up and kick the crap into something. I mean if cloud hadn’t met Zack he would have still be a measly little foot soldier.

Lets face it, who wouldn’t want a guy wielding a big ass sword in their team?

Jack (Bioshock)

Picture this. You’re in a plane crash with no idea who you are. Then suddenly BOOM! you’re in an underwater city welding all sorts of powers which you just feel like obtaining after injecting yourself with some neon glowing liquid. You slowly find out your mind is under control and then manage to over throw your puppeteer and vanquish his evil dastardly plan. This is all happening while people are going mad around you in an under water city.

Who wouldn’t want a guy who can take down a huge hulking metal robot like creature and also find time to save innocent children?

Dante (Devil May Cry)

Some may say that Dante is a little bit cliché, some may say he loves himself a little bit too much and that his ego could be taken down a couple of thousand notches. But to be honest wouldn’t you think your awesome if you have the sword wielding capabilities and gun skill of the part demon that is Dante?

So he may have some cheesy lines, but with an arsenal of weapons that could probably take down a small nation he’s a very good asset to any team. I mean hey, someone has to say the cheesy lines just before we overthrow the arch-villain.

- Garv

For every hero there must be a villain. That is a simple gaming fact and is also a film fact too. Over the years games have been turning more and more into films of their own. .

In games the villain has so much more to offer, this is due to game creators having to find a strong reason for the hero to defeat the villain. In the case of some games just beating them up is enough there is still that feel they would destroy the world if you didn’t beat them.

So without a villain the hero has nothing really worth fighting for and it kind of makes for a pointless game. After thinking about this for a very long time, I was able to come up of a list of 5 of my favourite villains. They are a shining example of what a villain should have, they should be evil, cruel, amazing fighters (or in some cases annoyingly difficult to beat) and the most important one of all they need to be a serious badass.

Kane (Soul Reaver)

He is a forgotten villain and he is still one of the most memorable. He has the desire to destroy the living world so that he may consume their souls to rule and rise again. He is evil to no end and is someone I would not like to fight.

The Goddess Myria (Breath of Fire III)

Breath of Fire III was the first game I ever completed of its kind (Epic RPG) and because of this, the Goddess Myria has stayed one of my favourite villains. Myria is more of a psycho than a villain as she believes that it’s all in the name if good. She is defiantly worthy of being in my top 5 for just being psychotic.

Mundus (Devil May Cry)

Mundas is the all-powerful and the most evil demon in hell, he is the devil. He has power over anyone consumed in darkness, added with his own incredible power; Mundas is a force to be reckoned with.

Albert Wesker (Resident Evil)

He is genetically modified and completely insane. Wesker is fast, smart and has a t-virus infected army of people at his control. Wesker is a complete badass and he shows no mercy to anyone, not even his own people.

Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

With his sword Musamune, Sephiroth is the most powerful SOLDIER 1^ST CLASS to ever exist. With an absolutely brilliant mind and a swordsman of unparalleled skill, Sephiroth is and always will be the most dangerous villain in the Final Fantasy series. So he deserves to be my number one villain of all time.

I hoped you liked my list; it took me a very long time to decide on it.

-Random Man

[Scene: The PlusXP Headquarters. Leon, Garvaos, GuitarGirl and That Bloke in the Beanie are all present. It's en media res, because if I do stuff like that then I'll look like a better writer]
Garvaos: That’s when I said “That’s not my ban-hammer, so stop trying to swing it!”
[Okay, maybe not]
Garvaos: Ah, it’s so good to relax on a sunny day like the one we had.
Beanie: Not for me; I failed my stat check earlier and got sunburnt.
Garvaos: Well, that sucks. Good thing it’s such a nice evening then, isn’t it?
[There is a loud bang. Pause. A wall falls down, and Jokesound appears.]
GuitarGirl: Just had to jinx it, didn’t you?
Jokesound: Hey guys! No one was answering the door so I thought I’d knock a bit louder…
Garvaos: What are you doing here? I banned you from the HQ after last time!
Jokesound: That’s why I’m standing just outside. Come out here, I have a surprise for you!
Garvaos: No! You just destroyed a wall!
Jokesound: Well, I thought you’d say no, so I made your windows bigger so you could see it from inside!
Garvaos: I’m sure there’s something very, very wrong with that logic, somehow.
Jokesound: Look, are you coming outside or not?
Garvaos: Will you stop destroying things if we do?
Jokesound: I literally cannot begin to tell you why I won’t guarantee such a thing.
[There is a short pause. Reluctantly, the rest of the PlusXP crew join him outside]
Leon: Okay, I’ll bite. Why are we out here?
Jokesound: Good question. One I choose to answer in the form of explosions.
[Some fireworks go off, exploding to read "Happy Birthday!"]
Jokesound: Happy birthday, Garv!
Garvaos: …You’re fired.
[Leon, Beanie and GuitarGirl cheer]
Jokesound: What? Why?
Garvaos: Ed, since you’ve been part of the writing team you’ve been kidnapped by GLaDOS, broken out of a mental institution under the care of Gordon Freeman, caused us to be attacked by zombies after trying to interview the corpse of Bill from Left 4 Dead, and ruined Christmas! You just destroyed my wall and my birthday was in February! What are you going to do next?
Jokesound: I’m going to Disneyland! …Oh, wait. I can’t. I’m banned after what I did to Goofy. Besides, you can’t ban me, for I have this!
[He produces his Reinstate hammer]
GuitarGirl: That’s not a real hammer.
Jokesound: Is so!
GuitarGirl: No, it’s not. Real hammers aren’t made out of Papier-mâché and decorated with macaroni elbows. You know you’re not supposed to cook them in the sauce before you put them on, right?
Jokesound: Well, I-
GuitarGirl: You’ve written “I.O.Me A Real Hammer” on the handle.
Jokesound: That’s just to confuse you from how very real and dangerous it is!
Garvaos: Stop it, you two.
Jokesound: But she’s being mean!
Leon: It’s not like you don’t deserve it.
Jokesound: What’s that supposed to mean?
Leon: You spent most of your articles criticising something, or explaining why you don’t like something! If you’re not alienating Halo fans, then it’s Call of Duty fans or Sony fanboys!
Jokesound: Hey, it’s not my fault Sony fanboys are mostly whiny idiots who view any opinion that even vaguely criticises their beloved console as flamebait!
[Hey N4G!]
Leon: I’m just saying, it’s not all about you!
Jokesound: Now that’s just rude. What have I done that gives you that impression?
Garvaos: Probably that giant billboard you have behind you that’s just you giving a cheesy grin and a thumbs up.
Jokesound: But that’s my seal of Ed-proval!
[There is a short moment of awkward silence]
Garvaos: For that pun alone, I should fire you.
Jokesound: I’m just saying, we needed an awesome image that everyone would remember, like Twitter’s Fail Whale!
Fail Whale [From Behind The Billboard]: Did ttthhhumbuddy call me?
Jokesound: No, Fail Whale! Nobody called you!
Fail Whale: Ne’ohhhh!
Jokesound: Just keep holding up that billboard! I don’t even know why I let you hang out with me when you just embarrass me like that. Jeez.
Garvaos: I have many questions about this.
Jokesound: We mascots have to stick together!
Garvaos: You’re not our mascot!
Jokesound: Okay, okay. Fine. Hey! Fail Whale! They didn’t like the billboard! Get out of here, and take it with you!
[He takes the billboard and is carried away by the Twitter birds]
Jokesound: See? That was pretty cool, right?
GuitarGirl: If not a bit random and unnecessary.
Garvaos: You know, I realised a long time ago that none of this ever made any sense to begin with. You just kind of shrug and roll with it in the end.
Jokesound: Okay, so I take it you guys aren’t very happy with me, but I know the other Ed loves me!
Beanie: No I don’t.
Jokesound: See what I me- Wait, what?
Beanie: You’ve reduced me to a background character who misrolls his dice to derive comic situations! You loaded my dice so all my decisions would favour you!
Jokesound: Okay, okay. I get it. You guys are all mad at me, and I guess I’ve probably done something wrong.
Beanie: A lot wrong.
Jokesound: Alright, jeez! I preferred it when you were rolling dice.
Garvaos: I think it’s just for the best if we fire you.
Jokesound: Well, before you do, I have something for you.
Garvaos: Not another signed copy of everything you’ve written, is it?
Jokesound: Nope.
Leon: Nothing wall-destroying?
Jokesound: Nothing like that.
GuitarGirl: Nothing hammer-like?
Jokesound: Not even the MC.
Garvaos: Okay, I’ll bite. What is it?
Jokesound: Your birthday cake!
Garvaos: Well, it’s not my birthday, but I guess I can’t say no to cake.
Beanie: Wait! It’s not a lie, is it?
Jokesound: No, it’s right here!
[He reveals said confectionery]
Garvaos: There are two… three problems with this.
Jokesound: Like what?
Garvaos: One, this cake is a pie.
Jokesound: Hey, you’re the one who said it.
Garvaos: Two, you’ve used dynamite for the candles.
Jokesound: You said you wanted the party to go out with a bang!
Garvaos: If I didn’t know you were going to do this, how could I have ever said that? However, that neatly brings me onto my final problem. Said “candles” are alight.
Jokesound: So we can sing Happy Birthday! Come on, everybody with me! Happy birthday to you! This cake’ll explode into goo! If you…
Garvaos: I’m going to stop you there, for one last thing.
Jokesound: Oh yeah? What?
[Garvaos produces his shiny ban-hammer one final time]
Garvaos: You’re banned. Permanently.
[He hits Jokesound with the ban-hammer and sends him flying into the fireworks behind him. The explosion from the cake sets off the fireworks, which explode in the shape of Jokesound giving one last cheesy grin and a thumbs-up before fading away]
Garvaos: Well, I guess he had an explosive finale.
GuitarGirl: Really, Garv? That’s the one liner you went with?
Garvaos: Hey, one of our writers just exploded into smithereens, give me a break.
[Beanie rolls a dice]
Beanie: I’m very… cat about this?
Leon: Well, what do we do now?
Garvaos: Same thing we do every time one of our writers explodes. We go play some videogames and find another one afterwards. Let’s go, gang!
[They walk back into the PlusXP HQ. End]

I’ve had some amazing times writing for PlusXP, but it’s time for me to move on. It’s been an absolute pleasure writing for you all, and I want to thank Rob for giving me a chance and (along with the other writers) for being such an amazing friend.

If you need me, I’ll be found on Twitter, Gaminglives or my blog.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Edward Price/Jokesound

Just like The Legend Of Neil!

Alright, Gaming related choking it is. What’s around you?
Uhh, I’m in an abandoned hotel room with only a vague sense of the plot going on around me, a large variety of random items, and a whole lot of confusion.

Ah, a Point and Click this time. Well, no time to lose, we’ve got a series of puzzles to solve!
Wait, wait wait.

What is it?
How can it be a gaming related choking if it’s a point and click? That’s PC territory if anything, and all my PC stuff is wireless. And I haven’t even been playing Point and Clicks!

Why not? There’s a resurgence of Point and Click lately, what with Telltale Games bringing out a new series of Back to the Future, Sam and Max, their new Puzzle Agent, all the other games they’ve done such as Monkey Island, and this year has an incredible amount of Point and Click games on the horizon…
Okay, shut up. No one wants to hear your extended advertisements for other games. We get it, you like point and clicks. Was it not enough to trap me here without trying to sell me stuff?

Well, I just thought…
Shut up. Just get me out of here without trying to sell me anything.

Every year amazing Point and Clicks are neglected and thrown away. Don't let this continue.

Okay, fine. Jerk.
What do I do?

Well, have you tried simply walking out of the door?
Nope, its locked. With three kinds of locks and keys, none of which I have. Whoever locked me in here didn’t want me getting out.

Okay, and out the window?
A really, really long drop. I don’t think I’d survive that.

Well, that depends.
On what, exactly?

On what type of Point and Click.
You’re kidding right?

No, this is actually really important. And there’s only one way to find out. You see that fork, there? I need you to jam that into that light socket.
I’m not even going to begin to tell you why I will never do that.

You’re going to have to trust me, if you ever want to get out of the room.
I’m not going to end up being eaten or something like last time, am I?

No! Haven’t you played Point and Click games? Nothing that horrible happens!
Good, I still haven’t got over the trauma from that.

I don’t think I’ve got over the trauma of your whining.
What? Nevermind. What do I do?

Use + Fork + Light Socket.
Okay, here I BZZZZZTARRRRGHHHHHH!

…Are…Are you alive?
I’m in a lot of pain, but I’m fine. But now the electricity is out in the room. Way to go, jerk.

Well, I guess that’s a…
Don’t do it.

Shocking Development!
…I hate you.

Well, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that this is most likely a Lucasarts or a Telltale Game, seeing as you didn’t die. So you can thank those wonderful developers for-
What did I say? Let me guess. The bad news is the power’s out in this room now.

With your care, support and your wallet, you too can save these games from abuse at the hands of their creators

That, and you’re really starting to stink up the joint a bit. Look, I’m not going to rush you or anything, but I’m kind of on a stopwatch here, so if you want to hurry up, that’d be great, thanks.
What do I do now?

Well, what else is in the room?
Well, there’s a bunch of stuff that requires electricity, so that’s right out, but there’s no food. There’s also a bed, and a giant mirror.

Okay, pick up the giant mirror, and put it by the window. I have an idea.
But its all the way across the room, I can’t pick that up!

Okay, just put it in your jeans.
Do you know how many things there are wrong with that idea?

Trust me on this one. Put it in your jeans.
There’s no way this is going to- okay how on earth did that work?

You don’t really know much about these games, do you? You can fit improbably sized objects in your inventory. I just don’t wanna know where you keep it, but keep in mind, you can take out some stupidly large things from there.
Even-

No, not your junk.
Dammit.

It stores things, it doesn’t make them bigger, shrimpy.
Shrimpy? What are you, how do you-?

That’s not important now. Walk over to the window and put the mirror by there.
Okay, I’ve done that now, and OWOHMYGODTHATHURTS

What?
Taking that mirror out was improbably painful.

You probably get used to it. Where were you even hiding that thing in there?
That’s none of your damn business.

Just don't ask where they keep their weapons.

Oh, look, a bird’s come onto the windowsill, just as I thought!
How on earth could you have known that?

Birds like shiny things. A mirror is a shiny thing. Ergo, it’d attract birds.
That’s kind of illogical and a bit contrived a puzzle.

You really don’t know anything about this genre of games, do you?
I will admit as much. But then I didn’t know much about platformers last time, so I guess that’s at least on par for the course.

Precisely. Now, you see that phone and your wallet? The only other things in your inventory? Take them out.
I get the feeling this is going to end badly.

What gives you that idea?
Well, firstly, the idea that birds like shiny things mean that the game will decide that the logic is that the bird will take my wallet and phone, leaving me without anything. Secondly, while I’ve been talking, that exact thing has happened. So the power’s out, there’s nothing that can help me escape, and that bird stole my wallet and my phone, which in retrospect, I really should have called someone to help with. So what do we do now?

I don’t care.
Okay, so with that we’ll… you don’t care?

Well, I’d love to help you further, but my time is up.
Wait, what?

Yeah, I’m bored of this now. I’m gonna go play something else.
Well, what do I do?

You can’t really do anything. You’re stuck in an abandoned hotel room with no real method of escape, no power, and nothing that can help you out.
Couldn’t I just jump out the window and survive in a contrived circumstance?

Not really, just because you survived the massive electric shock doesn’t mean you’ll survive an impossibly high jump. I wouldn’t risk it, to be honest. And besides, the game won’t let you to avoid such a death-causing scenario. So you’re pretty much stuck in this room with no way of escape, no power, and you probably can’t die. So you’re stuck here forever.
Can’t you check a walkthrough or something?

Apart from some severe robe burn, we're sure he made it out okay.

What, and be a cheater? I may not have any idea what to do, but that’s life when it comes to Point and Clicks. If you’re not entirely aware of their mechanics and methods, you tend to give up. Even if you’re a master like me, you can still mess up and get stuck on puzzles, and it’s entirely possible to put you in a no-win scenario like I have. I’d rather not stoop to looking up the answers, to be honest. Beside, this ending’s funnier.
Funnier for who?

Me, mostly.
But this isn’t funny! I’m stuck here for possibly forever! This is just horrifically cruel more than anything, especially because you’re just leaving me here trapped forever all by myself.

Well, if you insist…
What… what… is that?

Yup, that’s the Overly Cute and Cartoony, but Probably Extremely Dangerous Animal (OCCPEDA) from the last time. And this time, he bought a friend.
You, can’t do this to me, it’s just going to do the same thing as last time!

This is truly the cruellest ending of them all. Well, that’ll teach you for neglecting such a beloved genre then preventing me from extolling their virtues and advertising them, won’t it?
This isn’t even an ironic punishment!

Well, thanks for reading, everyone! Don’t forget-
Who are you talking to?

…Don’t forget to keep all the lessons from this in mind when you-
What lessons? You just put me in a deliberate no win scenario and then attempted to reuse the same ending as last time but with the twist that there’s two of them this time!

Okay, screw you, guy. I’m going home.
No, wait, I take it back! No, no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yes thats right, the wait is finally over. Its time for us to sit back, skive off of work for five minutes and enjoy Episode 2 of our new PlusXp mini series. Its time for another 2 Eds are better than 1.

24

x

Step 1 – Arm yourself

If Fallout and Left 4 Dead 2 are anything to go by, pretty much anything can be used as a weapon. Whether it’s a magnum you have managed to stash away somewhere on your person, or a frying pan you have found just lying about, anything can be used to beat down the dangers that lurk on the Earth’s surface. Also, if games are anything to go by, you can hold a lot of weapons at any given time. According to DOOM II you can stash up to nine weapons on your person at once. Or, if you really wanna analyse your games for the Earth’s inevitable doom, play some GTA IV and see what clothes Niko Bellic is wearing – because you can stash a whole array of weapons from pistols and sawn-off shot guns, to full-blown rocket launchers and sniper rifles… handy! Which brings us to step 2.

Step 2 – Finding the right attire

As I said in step one, a good route to go here is the GTAIV route because, lets face it; it has magic pockets to store your whole armory in. But defending yourself is also key to survival, and a good armored suit is the way to go in most cases. Unless you are Duke Nukem of course, then you can just wear a tank top and watch the bullets bounce of your huge pectorals.

Taking a look at Halo, Quake 4, Aliens Vs Predator and Doom, I think they are onto something here. Green and brown are this season’s Apocalypse colours, and are definitely good for camouflage whatever terrain you are in. and make sure it is well armored.

But then there are probably those of you out there who didn’t pack an Apocalypse bag before the earth was destroyed. So my advice to you (well more Fallout’s advice to you) is to grab anything you can and wear it, regardless if it’s a silly sack on your head or huge armour that probably weighs about a ton.

Step 3 – Finding shelter

You need somewhere safe to stay when any sort of Apocalypse strikes. In the case of zombies, if you manage to find a huge door that bolts shut then you’re in for a win. These doors can be found on any building – whether it is a block of flats, a country house or indeed an old wooden shack you will be just fine, once said door is bolted shut there will be a plethora of supplies and weapons for you.

In case of Nuclear Apocalypse however, it gets a bit more tricky… mainly because most things have been blown to smithereens. That said, you will find some places that have remarkably stayed in tact, or you can just find a load of corrugated metal and build yourself a quaint little town, just make damn sure there isn’t a nuclear warhead in the middle of it. It could either explode or have crazy people worshipping it.

With an alien invasion however, you’re probably not going to have any shelter at all – you will mainly find yourself running around lots, shooting anything that moves. But having said that, I have heard space stations are a nice destination this time of the year.

Step 4 – Finding Sustenance and/or medical supplies

You want to stay alive, right? Well if games are anything to go by, food and drink will heal your broken bones within seconds. Fallout and Wolfenstein have both proved this theory. Weather it is a hot meal or a nice cool bottle of radiated cola you will feel better, and in no time that bite you got from a crazy dog will heal right up.

In other cases such as Left 4 Dead, you have to scout around for medi-packs. These things are stashed with bandages and well… bandages. You will feel right as rain in no time after you apply these magical fabrics. Having said that, if we take a leaf from Halo’s book, then simply stepping on medi-packs will automatically heal you, or if your feeling hardcore like Duke Nukem then simply kick a toilet in and drink the water. You will feel ready to kick some more butt in next to no time.

Step 5 (The Most Important) – DTA

Common practice for a post apocalyptic earth is to DTA - Don’t. Trust. Anybody. Look after number one at all times. Left 4 Dead teaches us that crying humanoid creatures really don’t want our help, they just want to rip our faces off, F.E.A.R. has shown us that small girls can really be mind-controlling, crazy things that can scare the living Jesus out of you and will also rip your face off. Lets face it, everything out there in post apocalyptic earth is just wanting to rip off your face. Dogs, zombies, zombie dogs. It’s pretty dangerous out there.

And that is it, Plus XP’s five step program to surviving doomsday and post apocalyptic earth. If you haven’t gathered by the way, Earth is the number one target for anything, so be warned.

There is one slight problem though…I haven’t played a game that tells me what to do when the ice caps melt… bugger.

- Garv

Today we gather to witness the joining together of two individuals not only very dear to my own heart, but also to the heart of our great nation. I am not talking about the much anticipated marriage of Will and Kate, but about PlusXp’s very own royal partnership. It is on this very special day that we invite you to witness two Eds become one as we bring you the first ever episode of our first ever PlusXp mini-series.

So, if you’ve had enough of parades and bunting for one day; sit back, relax, and watch as we find out once and for all if two Eds really are better than one at Street Fighter.

24

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P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to thank our two Eds not only for taking part in this (quite frankly groundbreaking) experiment but also for not throwing anything at me during the filming. You guys are the best.

This is some serious Legend of Neil level stuff, here.

Well, you did, and now, you’re in a videogame of some kind.
No, okay, seriously, what is going on here? I didn’t do any of that kind of stuff and-

Okay, shut up. Look around you, what do you see?
Errrm, I’m in a bright, colourful area.

Can you move about freely?
No, I can only move straight in front of me, or right behind me. Are you going to tell me what the heck is going on here?

Okay, colourful area, and only two directions of movement… It seems you’re stuck in an old-school platformer. Now, as long as you listen to me, you might just survive. Okay, now keep running forward and-
I can’t. There’s like, a giant bunch of water in front of me.

Well, better water than a bottomless pit. Take a look, are you a heavily cartoonish human, or a heavily cartoonish animal that has no right speaking but does, and looks and moves quite humanishly?
What was that about bottomless pits?

Nothing, answer the question.
That second one.

Okay, right, we might have some problems here. Okay, try jumping that giant pool of water.
I can’t do that! It’s like, massive!

Look, it’s a platformer, you’re capable of jumping stupidly improbable distances, especially considering you’re a heavily cartoonish animal that shouldn’t even be able to walk, talk or jump. Just jump it!
You’re right, I can do this, I can – hurk!

Water. Deadly to Videogame Animals.

Okay, so, you died. Obviously, we’re dealing with a game wherein you die upon contact with water. Typical teenager.
But I’m still here…?

Yeah, you still have two guys left. Okay, this time, jump over the water, and continue.
Okay, I did that.

Okay, good. Now, just keeping jumping over these pools of water, and avoiding any ridiculous happenings, we need to get you to the end of this and-
Ooh! A block with something inside it!

Oh, Goddamn it. Okay, just break it open and try not to get freaked out…
Oh my god, am I tripping balls right now, or did I just suddenly get bigger and stronger? And If I did, how comes all my clothes haven’t been ripped or anything?

Seriously though, shouldn't he like, Hulk out of those clothes or something?

Look, like I said, I’m the one asking questions and stuff. Just ignore it, you’re not really supposed to question why any of that just happened. Accept it and move on. Now, try not to hit anything or you’ll just go back to regular size.
What? That sucks, man. Oh well, here I go!

No, watch out for that giant spike pit!
Urk!

No Yoshi! Don't Do That! You'll Cause A Time Paradox!

You have one more life left. Don’t mess this up!
Okay, I’ll be sure to do what you say and – Ooh! Look at that!

What, you mean that Overly Cute and Cartoony, but Probably Extremely Dangerous Animal (OCCPEDA)?
Yeah! I’m gonna go over and give it a hug!

No, don’t do that! While it’s Overly Cute and Cartoony, it’s Probably Extremely Dangerous!
Hugging! Hey! It’s hugging me back… and tickling me… and OH DEAR GOD HELP ME!

What… What the… is… is it…
It’s nibbling me a little, that’s all.

Are you sure it’s wise to let it do that? I mean, you don’t know where it’s been…
It’s fine, despite how Probably Extremely Dangerous he is, he’s way too Overly Cute and Cartoony for that to hap- OH GOD IT JUST BIT OFF MY ARM!

You can still do something about it! Jump on it!
What?

Jump on it! It’ll totally kill it for some reason!
Okay, I’ll try that and -OH MY GOD IT JUST BIT MY LEGS OFF IN MID AIR!

Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty awesome.
Awesome? It’s eating me alive! You have to stop it!

Stop it? I’m just an omniscient narrating presence, I can’t actually do anything.
But surely, there’s something you can do?

Nope, you’re on your own, kid. Maybe this’ll teach you a lesson about ignoring Omniscient Narrating Presences when they tell you to kill Overly Cute and Cartoony, but Probably Extremely Dangerous Animals by jumping on their heads.

This is apparently my new work car... sweet!

1030 Hours:
The speed limits are way too slow around here. It’s taking ages to get anywhere, and there’s nothing but road for miles and miles. I’ve seen way more cars than I’ve seen houses around here… In fact, I don’t think I’ve actually seen any houses around here…
Where does everyone live around here? If I have to sleep in my car, I am not going to be happy about this!

1100 Hours:
Well, expecting anything to happen on the beat after two hours was probably a bit optimistic, but there aren’t any crimes! I’ve been driving for two hours and I can’t find any gangs running around or old ladies to help cross the street…

Actually, thinking about it, I haven’t seen a single person outside of a car since I’ve been here. I don’t even think there’s anywhere for them to go…

This is going to be a long shift…

1200 Hours:
Does nobody even feel a teensy bit like committing a crime? Not even a little? Is there even anywhere for anyone to break the law?

1300 Hours:
I’d love to give someone a parking ticket right now, but there’s literally nowhere in this county for anyone to park.

1500 Hours:
Holy heck! So I was sitting in my car, openly contemplating going on a spree or something just to find an excuse to arrest something when some street racers speed right past me! I don’t even think they saw me when they drove past, because I managed to get the drop on them and call dispatch, and before I knew it they were allowing me to use all these crazy add-ons the car had that I didn’t even know about! Must have saved it up by driving it around or something but all of a sudden I was about to use some nitrous oxide to give the car a speed boost, just like in those films about street racing! I gave chase, but then some other police car sped past me and took them all down single-handedly!
Bit of an aggressive one, that driver. He had a half a million dollar sports car and he’s ramming it willy nilly into the street racers like those cars just grow on trees or something, it was madness! Have to admit, I thought he was a bit of a show-off. He goes off, wipes them all out without any help from the rest of us and takes all the credit and a promotion, while I don’t even get a thank you!

He even gets a better police car than me. The jerk.

1600 Hours:
That bleeding lone-wolf is at it again! There I was, driving along when I get called to be part of a roadblock to hold off a street-racer and we think we’ve got it covered pretty solidly and he’s halfway across the county. Or so I thought, because as the street racer comes along he manages to find a crack in our defences and makes plans to get through us that way.
Okay, I’ll admit I dropped the ball a little, but when I woke up this morning I didn’t expect to be driving around a high-end sports car to keep the peace, let alone using them to form a roadblock!
So yeah, the racer’s about to get away with it and get off scot-free when that bloody guy manages to drive up impossibly quickly and shut off the racer’s only port of escape. The guy’s arrested, but he gets all the bloody credit again!
I wouldn’t even mind if I knew where the lawbreaker was going, but I haven’t actually noticed a police station or a jail anywhere around here, and no one will tell me if we even have one…

It wasn't my fault, honest!

1700 Hours:
I don’t know what’s going on here any more There’s nothing but roads anywhere, any buildings around are empty and the only law broken seems to be the speed limit. The punishment for speeding? Getting rammed off the road at dangerous speeds and being lucky if you’re not killed! Not like you’d probably get buried if you were killed here, seeing as there aren’t any cemeteries or any signs of life.
What would I say was the final straw? It must have been the third load of street racers speeding along that I tried to help stop. How do you stop expensive super-cars from breaking the law? Apparently by forming a roadblock with equally expensive super-cars and hoping that work!
How does that even work? This county is a ghost-town! There’s no industry or civilisation, so how the heck are there so many super-cars and how does the Police Department here have so many that they’re willing to put them in a roadblock and hope their destruction stops some people from speeding?
I’m not sure who owns this place, but whoever they are, they’ve managed to create some sort of nightmare: this is all a giant playground for some eccentric, wealthy idiots with too much time on their hands, and we’re all just pawns playing into their ludicrously costly games!

Pictured - more money than any of us will ever earn ever

Screw this, I’m transferring to Liberty City.

[This post was based on the 2010 game 'Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit', and was inspired by Lee Williams' "Things In Video Games That Are Bollocks" article on www.gaminglives.com]

Gaming is a beautiful thing; it allows you to see the most beautiful worlds, witness stories, characters and events you couldn’t see anywhere else, and it’s still evolving, day by day. Some of the better moments when gaming have always been with the people you care about most, whether it be with your family, your friends, or someone special to you in some way. While gaming is mostly enjoyed Single Player, and I, like many others am a single player at heart, I can’t deny that some of my favourite moments in games have been when I’ve been playing with friends or people who matter to me. The fun you have can obviously be multiplied, and you can find new ways to explore worlds and games you hadn’t before, mess around, have fun, and spend more time with people you care about, bonding over that most amazing of things, Videogames!

The thing is that while many of us, myself included, complain about how many developers take time and resources away from the solo campaign in order to slave away at another bland multiplayer mode with achievements you’ll never be able to get two weeks after release because everyone’s stopped playing because it’s naff. Sometimes, we don’t appreciate the fact that they’ve given us an opportunity to share the experience of playing the game with others, and sometimes we don’t appreciate how much more fun the game can be when you’re playing with friends. Co-operative modes can help alleviate the stress you may gain from playing the game solo, and there are always the competitive modes you and your friends can kill time on at the very least.

Gaming brings people together

With the bad, average or blaverage multiplayer games come the good, though. Think about games like Left 4 Dead and Team Fortress; games that you don’t care that the only way you can enjoy them is with others, and games you end up loving to pieces because they’re so well crafted and they give you so many great experiences. The Left 4 Dead series alone has given me so many amazing and hilarious memories of playing with my friends that I wouldn’t even know when to begin or stop. Not even that, but even going back to the N64, Goldeneye, Mario Kart and Super Smash Brothers, the experiences that stand out most to me aren’t my single-player successes, but moments playing with friends have caused memories I still look back fondly on even in my old age. The years change, and so do the friends and the games. Don’t look back in nostalgia though, because you can still have it just as good today. In fact, with the ability to play and talk with other people over the internet, and the aforementioned insistence on forcing multiplayer on you, there are still so many ways to create amazing memories with friends that can last you for years to come.

Now, I’ve been giving it some thought, and I’m not one for making big plans or anything, but I’ve decided there should be some kind of day for all this. We’ll dedicate it to spending time with loved ones, and playing games all day. A day where we can sit around, joke, and have a laugh, and do it while gaming as well, especially with those who we want to spend it with. A day where we can put all of our gaming differences aside, and relax, and have fun. And I shall call this day… Gamingtimes Day!

"I just wanna say, I'm so glad im spending Gameingtimes day with you."

Gamingtimes Day, to be remembered in celebration of Saint Gamingtimes; who bought love to all through the power of videogames, and may or may not actually exist as some kind of teaching of religion or morality, and lived so that we could all celebrate the power of multiplayer upon his death. Oh yeah, he’s dead. I forgot to mention that part. It was kind of important. As was the bit about the war, but that’s for another time… Oh and then there’s the really awesome space battle between *mumbles*… And the bit where he *mumbles*… And the finale when you find out that *mumbles*… and that his father is really *mumbles*… and his best friend betrays *mumbles*… for the MacGuffin of Power…

Hey, look over there! A distraction of some kind!

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah, Gamingtimes Day! Now, I’ve given it some thought about when I want to put the day, and I’ve honestly thought long and hard about this one. After my open-to-interpretation manner of how I came upon my decision, I decided to declare Gamingtimes Day for a day that I made sure wouldn’t clash with any other kind of meaningful celebration or occasion: February 14th.

I checked. Nothing going on. At all.

So, how do you celebrate Gamingtimes Day? Well, it’s simple: just spend the day gaming with those who you care about. Play a bunch of multiplayer games with all of your loved ones, and share the joys of video gaming with everyone else. It doesn’t specifically matter about the game much, as long as you’re playing with those you care about, and you’re having fun.

Not convinced? Still confused? Here are some questions posed to me by other people about this day, and hopefully, the answers will convince you to celebrate Gamingtimes Day with me, and everyone else!

“Ed, I’m sure there’s already a holiday on the 14th called V-”
Nope! there’s nothing significant or important at all operating on that particular day of the February calendar. Trying to convince me otherwise is probably a lost cause. If there was, however, another occasion occurring on this particular 24-hour stretch of time, surely there’s nothing stopping you celebrating both?

“Are you sure this isn’t some holiday for lonely little geeks such as yourself?”
I don’t know what you’re talking about, real question posed to me by someone trying to insult me and fundamentally find a lack of logic in my idea! I’m completely fine and not at all lonely or heartbroken, and this day wasn’t inspired by when I spent February 14th in the past being made to feel bad about being alone while spending all day playing Left 4 Dead online with friends. Stop badgering me. Stop it. LEAVE ME ALONE!

This is not me....honest!

“Why just one day? Surely you don’t need a specific day to tell you to game?”
Say there was a day in which, now bear with me, because this is going to sound a little crazy but…
What if there was this one day where you’re told by society that you need to spend that day giving gifts and spending all your affection on someone you care about in a romantic way. Now, imagine that this day was started to help promote love amongst you and that special someone, and they told you that this day was solely for the purposes of love, or the pursuit of it! Isn’t that just crazy? Why would you need just one day to tell you when to love, or that one day to show that someone how you feel? Shouldn’t every day, or if not every day, a lot of the time, be spent doing that anyway? Why do you need just one day to tell you when to care, or when to do one specific thing, specifically?
I hope that answers your question and doesn’t obfuscate anything in any way at all.

“But the people I care about don’t like playing games!”
Well, now is always the time to educate them. Nowadays, there are lots of games designed to help wean people into games called “casual games”. Now, put your feelings aside about them, because you could always try using them? If not, there’s still nothing stopping you throwing them in the deep end and playing whatever you want, but sometimes, making a sacrifice could be the difference between just one day, and more times gaming with those you love in the future.

“Can you play with yourself?”
Why yes you can, incredibly inappropriately put question! Maybe you don’t like everyone else. Maybe the people you love don’t care about games? Maybe you just want to forego the whole process entirely, and just spend the day playing games without the need of a day specifically tell you to do it. Well, there’s nothing stopping you from treating the day just like every other, and going ahead with life.

At the end of the day, Gamingtimes Day is an optional bit of diversionary fun, and there’s no need to force yourself, or anyone else into it. It’s all a bit of fun, and isn’t even entirely serious. Just relax, and enjoy it.
Besides, if you’re busy that day, there’s always the 15th…

- Jokesound

Leon:

Seeing as it’s less than two weeks till Marvel vs Capcom 3′s release, me and Garv are getting a little bit twitchy. Looking to be one of the greatest fighters released since Street Fighter IV – which is still going strong – MvC3 brings the clash between Marvel and Capcom back from its decade-long hiatus and makes room for the latest and greatest from both sides. So to keep our fingers busy (as opposed to the usual practice of staring at a blank screen and mashing buttons on our arcade sticks with a vacant stare), we bring to you: our personal MvC3 dream teams.

Marvel vs Capcom 3 includes a whole host of characters I can’t wait to play as – so it’s very hard to choose just three. However, I’ve thought about it, and finally whittled the cast down to my dream team:

“Demons, superhumans. Meh. Same crap, different day.” – Dante

While Dante seems to be a popular choice amongst many fans, I simply can’t not put him in my team. Devil May Cry has been one of my favourite games since the original, with Devil May Cry 3 being one of my favourite games of all time. With Dante’s wit and superior fighting skills, I’ve since dreamed of seeing him in a Capcom VS. title – yet never actually thought it would happen. But now he appears – in his DMC3 form no less – with one of the most stylish move sets in the game, and being faithful to his roots by having one of the most extensive sets of moves in the game, with most of his weaponry available in his different attacks.

With his trusty sword Rebellion, his trademark wit and a bat-firing electric guitar, Dante will be leading my team for sure.

“Ammy! Chill out! Don’t you know it’s bad to bite people who are down on their luck?” – Issun

What could be cooler than a goddess for a team member? Well, a goddess that happens to be a wolf, of course. Okami’s Amaterasu may come in a small package, but she makes up for her size in power. Nicknamed ”Ammy” by her tiny companion Issun, Amaterasu can draw upon the powers of the celestial brush to summon the elements to her side, while also having the ability to switch between various weapons – Divine Instruments – to aid her in her fast-paced assault. Amaterasu is no-one’s trusty sidekick - she’s a leading lady.

With some huge screen-filling elemental attacks that can do devastating damage, Ammy belies her gentle nature with some of the flashiest moves in the game.

“I’m a member of S.T.A.R.S.” – Jill in MvC2

Since Jill is confirmed to be a DLC character, I’ll sadly have to be waiting a month until she can make her rightful place in my dream team. While Jill is a returning character, she now takes the form of her Resident Evil 5 incarnation, and has been completely transformed into what will apparently be one of the fastest characters in the game – described by Capcom as an “aerial gun user”. It’s not yet known whether Jill will be aligned with good or evil in her storyline (due to Wesker’s mind-control crystal on her chest), but either way I’ll be looking forward to her release alongside Shuma-Gorath.

I definitely look forward to seeing what Jill’s ultra combos will be – she’s sure to have some impressive moves in her arsenal.

“Show me your strength!”

Reserve Character – While I’ve already picked my three – there’s one more character that I’ll definitely be using from time to time – and I need someone to stand in for Jill for the first month! Capcom’s iconic lead fighter, Ryu is always great to fall back on with his traditional moveset, albeit powered-up for MvC. While he’s a simple fighter, Ryu always manages to hold his own against all the rest, and represents the basis of the Capcom fighting game.

Ryu will always be a comfort zone for me – and I’ll never get tired of seeing his awesome Shinkuu-Hadoken in MvC3 glory.

Garv:

It has taken me a good while to think of who would my dream team for MvC3 would be. Even though I favour Marvel over Capcom in most respects my team is comprised of both; also when Leon and myself have battles I always tend to go for the evil characters and he always tends to go for the good. So factoring both of those criteria I have come up with a team that is my MvC3′s answer to my M.Bison in Super Street Fighter IV.

“Come ta think of it — I’ve seen tougher KEN dolls than you! An’ I mean take yer pick here — mod-hair Ken — disco Ken — summer fun Ken — I let Barbie whip me ‘cos I’m a wuss Ken — Any o’ you guys lissenin’ t’me?” – Deadpool

Without a shadow of a doubt Deadpool has to be my team leader, and not just because he is the one fighting Dante in the trailer. Deadpool has swiftly become one of my favorite Marvel characters of all time. Dubbed the merc with a mouth, Deadpool has expert knowledge when it comes to combat and a bad ass attitude to boot. The very fact that he breaks the 3rd wall in comic book (Breaking the 3rd wall meaning, things like talking to the reader etc, because Deadpool knows he’s in a comic book) has always appealed to me and he keeps it MvC3 as well making for one hell of a hilariouse and awesome character.

“Sure I’m not human anymore, but just look at the power I’ve gained!” – Albert Wesker

As my old buddy M.Bison hasn’t made the MvC3 cut, I needed someone who was just as evil, someone who is hell-bent on world domination and at the same time is stupidly powerful. I introduce to you Albert Wesker, the main baddie from the Resident Evil series. I didn’t just choose him for the fact that he is pretty much my MvC3 answer to Bison, he also look a bit like a character I wrote a story about once called Zeneth, who was again hell bent on destruction and world domination. Concidence no?

“Looks like we have a winner.” – Trish

Trish has to be the best female character to come out of the Devil May Cry series, created by Mundus the devil god from hell to destroy Dante. Trish was actually made in the image of Dante’s mother. After defeating Mundus in DMC1 Trish and Dante teamed up. So you can probably imagine Leon’s frustration when I decided to pit her against Dante in his team. Thing is though it’s not just about frustrating Leon at the end of the day, Trish has awesome demon powers and wields the sword of Sparda which changes shape, meaning there are going to be some awesome attacks coming from her, a perfect asset to the team I think.

“But the girl, she’s like a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. She’s so small… There are moments when I look at her, I just wanted to laugh.
But I’m not laughing now. I’m just glad we’re on the same team.” – Domino: X-Men

Reserve Character: I had to go down  the route of the reserved character also, there are just too many good characters to choose from. So why X-23? Well as you know Wolverine is weapon X, or 10 in layman’s terms and  X-23 or Laura by her proper name is the step up from him, even though she has two claws on each hand she was actually a normal human being untill the weapon X programme got hold of her and turned her into a killing machine. She is a lot faster than Wolverine and a lot more agile, meaning having her in an MvCs team is a cracking idea - true, Jill Valentine maybe fast in MvC3 terms, but X-23 could probably slice her and dice her in a matter of seconds.

So there you have it people, Leon and Garv’s dream teams, with the game coming out in just under two weekes here in the UK we will have to wait just a little bit longer till we can put these teams into action.

Till then, we’ll get some arcade stick practice in with Super Street Fighter IV.

-Leon & Garv